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Sunday, August 24, 2008

boy oh boy

Well Kadyn hadnt had a seizer for awhile so i decided okay, maybe it was a one time thing, ill take him to harveys grandmas. Well i get there and BOOM he has a siezer, i lay him on his side and i talk him throughout it. about 30 seconds later he stops. Then about a minute or 2 after another one, so i decide ok im caling his father. There is a renisanse festival going on and he went to it. I called him twice straight to vocie mail, then i call his friends nothing, then ic all harvey again adn he answers, and i tell him....come home kadyn needs to go to the hospital, and i get i cant just have cody drive me an hour back we just got here. I hung up on him, i was furious. I take Kadyn by myself al the time, harvey never goes! its anoying. Anyways. I get here and he has on as soon as we walk in, so off to trama we go. Trama is a scary place, i do not like it. We get there, and he had like 5 more, they did ct scan and that was normal, but his ventricals never really show any sign of dilation when the shunt isnt working, so because his veins were visiable in his head and his eyes were deviated they tapped his shunt. Works perfect. THANK GOODNESS. About 2 hours later kadyn has another siezer then off to sleeply land he goes. We finally get a room, and i call harvey. I ask him to come here and stay with Kadyn and he says, there is no point for me to come there just to sleep. I was like i would like to go home and get soem sleep, i havent eaten since breakfast, im tired, and im upset, and he was like why dont you go home and stay. Im not leaveing kadyn by himself. Thats just mean. I was like harvey your his FATHER you should be here. He hung up on me...UGH!!! So i called back and i aws like listen if this is how your going to be then forget it, im done...i deserve better and so does Kadyn,....How dare you treat your son like this....siezers are life threatening, and if you are this stupid and immature to be here for him then forget us working things out, im not going to have a fiance' who is going to leave everything in my hands when it comes to our child, most fathers want to be there for thier kids, but i guess you dont. He hung up on me, so i furious, he also blocked my number. So i call him and i left him a horrible message that made me feel better, i told him that His friends dont matter, what matters is his son, who cares about them when it comes to kadyn, who cares about anything when it comes to kadyn, you coulda found a way back, taxi bus whatever, It could of been done, teh simple fact is im done if this is how its going to be, i deserve better and kadyn deserves a better father then what your being. Just because you grew up with a father doesnt mean kadyn does, but i guess how can i expect you to knw what being a father is. I honestly dont regret that. Ive been doing everything by myself since i got out of the hospital. He was dedicated the first week i was in the hospital after i had kadyn then after that it was all layed on my shoulders, and for awihle i took it and took it, but the simple fact is, i need a shoulder to cry on too, this is hard, and its frustrating. I always drive home crying or i am so upset that i cant drive home. Either way im alone here, i have no one becuase harvey thinks his rest and his needs are way more important, the simple fact is, he isnt ready for this, Kadyn isnt a normal healthy child, he has his medical issues and i dont think harvey can handle that, and if he cant then he needs to step back, he needs to not be in his life then be in it, then not then in. Same with mine. Im done being upset because he isnt there for kadyn, i cant do it anymore. kadyn is most important in my life, kadyn is my life. Kadyn is more important than harvey ever will be to me, and im chosing the keep myself from getting anymore frustrated with harveys lack of help. Its over between him and i, and im done for good. I cant be with someone who choses his friends over his son, who choses sleeping in his own bed over being here for his son, who tells me that i dont ned to be up here 24/7 with kadyn. Umm yes i do, i have to be here. Kadyn wont eat for anyone else, Kadyn will get very upset, and how would harvey like it if not one person stayed with him. I know this because i didnt like staying alone when i had kadyn, So i basically told Harvey that i was done, i was moving on because he isnt mature enough to be a family.

Well i think im done complaning. The important thing is Kadyn is stable and no longer having seizers. He is asleep. The only thing is i think he is having silent ons in his sleep becuase his oxygen keeps dropping a little and his heart rate goes up a lil, Anyways.

I hope everyone is doing well. And im so bummed because this is a big dilemma, spending gas money that i dont have :-( ugh! Oh well, its worth it for kadyn


Kristen said...

That is a miserable day :o(. I'm so sorry. I can't believe Kadyn is having more seizure. How scary. I'm also sorry to hear Harvey doesn't understand how you need him to be more supportive.

I'm glad the hospital is a close distance for you from your home. That helps out with the gas prices. It gets a little tough for us with U of M hospital being over an hour away. When we lived with Mike's parents it took us almost 2 hours one way. There's times I wish we lived closer to there so the drive would be shorter, but that would put us far away from our families. It's a blessing that you have Kadyn's hospital and your families close to each.

I'm praying peace for you guys tonight and for Kadyn to feel better.