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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Another post before i call it a night

So i was cleaning out my room the other day, throwing little odds and ends away, putting clothes in a donation pile/bag and other things. Well i had come across a box that hasnt been touched in years, (it was dusty) i opened it up and i immeditally smiled. I found all the high school notes harvey wrote to me and the letters he sent to me while he was at basic training for the army. I honestly cried a little. I closed my eyes and i just remembered how in love, and free and happy we used to be, how we used to hold hands all the time, how nothing would slow us down, we were always together and just happy and so much in love. Through out high school it was always Sara n Harvey, There was never sara then harvey. Our names were always together.I finally put them back in the box and under my bed it went.

The beauty, the most amazing, the best thing ever, the best thing we both got out of our love, is the most handsome little guy in this world. Kadyn David Sterling. Our love never ended....just the relationship, but we still say I love you, and give hugs. Becuase its the truth i love him and he loves me, but we both know that being together is not good, but what matters is there is enough love between us that we can raise our child with so much love. Kadyn will really thrive off our love and the love of everyone else. Kadyn will always know that he is very well cared for and loved and needed. I dont want kadyn, i need teling you i NEED him more than he needs me. Kadyn has brought true happiness into my life. (i suffer from depression) The weird thing is having a child usually makes depression worse (let alone having a child with needs) but it cured mine i think. i havent had a spell since kadyn. Now i have my days were im down. but thats only when kadyn isnt feeling good, but what mother isnt.

Anyways i was talking to a friend at work today and i was just talking about my son. I went into this whole thing about how its funny how people who never had a probelm in thier life, never been hospitalized, never broken a bone, had healthy children and how they will look and my child and think he is different, but in my eyes it s the opposite, i mean how many people do you know lead perfect lives where nothing goes wrong, im sorry but if you have such a perfect life, you're boring. I couldnt imagine my life being "perfect". To me my life is perfect as is. I couldnt image nothing going wrong, i dream of it, but why live in denial. The fact is, his shunt is going to fail, its just a matter of when, he will need surgery to lengthen the tube even if his shutn doesnt fail, the truth is surgery is in the future no matter what. I think im prepared for it all. I even have myself prepared for when Kadyn needs to have Heart surgery if ever. I was totally blessed to have a perfect hearing adn seeing child with all the pressure that was on his brain. Im hopeful things will be calm for awhile, but like any hydro mom or mom who has a child with specail needs, your always on your toes and the doctors office is number one on your speed dial.

idk rambelings meaningless to some but not to me :-)


Kristen said...

It's refreshing sometimes to write out our ramblings. It's somehow healing sometimes. I think it's great the way you and Harvey remain friends.

Anonymous said...

I think you have the most beautiful story. I cried my eyes out when I saw all the videos you posted on youtube. You are truly an inspiration! I pray to god he blesses you and kadyn greatly because no one deserves it more than the both of you. I have 3 children who i love so very much, and i cannot imagine what it has been like for you. i wish you all the best luck in the world for the future of you and your adorable son who have touched so many including me! god bless you, DANI