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Monday, September 1, 2008

Nov 06.....

I was thinking back when i found out i was pregnant. (yes i have random thoughts and i just type it)
Its funny because i was never one to pay attention to when id start or anything. But I remebered my last one was October 1st and it was the end of November when i noticed i hadnt had one. It was Harvey and I and we went to Meijer, and i just happened to mention if he remebered me starting, he immediatly to me to the family planning ilse and we bought a pregnancy test. I was scared because deep down I KNEW. SO instead of waiting until we got home he made me go take it in the stores bathroom. Well one line was dark, the one thats always dark, but the other line was very faint, but i saw it. I told harvey, 2 lines and i'll never forget his face. It was unexpected. I was on the Pill too. Thats the hard part, makes me wonder...forget it. Well i didnt belive it, though i knew, i went into denial. I took 3 more tests, they all said i was pregnant. We didnt tell anyone for awhle. I hid me being pregnany for the longest time. I was ashamed of myself. Harvey brought up the A word( yup refuse to say it) and we both just was like...NO dumb idea to even bring up. Well eventually when i saw him in this ultrasound for the first time, i knew i was in love and my depression adn denial went away. I was 14 weeks, my dr knew that Kadyn was a boy. You can obvioulsy tell that his head was not "normal". I didnt notice until after i had looked at my nephews ultrasounds. Either way i didnt care. He was already my son, my baby. The love of my life. Harvey fell in love that day too. Obviously i hated being pregnant, just for the fact that it was ultrasound after ultrasound, but the only thing i liked/loved about it was that as long as he was in me, i knew he was safe. I was so scared to bring him into this world. But the fact was id rather meet my child, known him for the time i had with him, then never meet him at all and regret it. The fact was, he was mine, i had him forever. kadyn is such a miracle to me. I dont now i was going through pictures and i replayed that moment i had that ultra sound done. Such a warming enviroment, harvey holding my hand. (he was fighting back tears but shhhh i was too) we saw our little boy for the first time, and its a feeling i hope i can feel again someday. Not anytime soon. I'll be married to my true love before i even think about children.
Well its 4 am adn i just finished cleaning and packing Kadyns items, he is going to gostay with his father for the night, which in all is exciting im sooo happy. Well im going to bed now. I will update another time.


Kristen said...

I'm up at 4 am too! lol Cayman took too long of a nap yesterday evening, so she didn't sleep through the night to well tonight. She's been doing really well at sleeping through the night.

I love looking at Cayman's ultrasound pictures now too. The many ultrasound pictures was the only perk to the diagnosis.

I hope you get some rest. Sounds like you need it.