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Friday, October 24, 2008

hmmm

I was rereading some replies to my one bulliten, an since I've deiceded that I wouldn't give Kadyn to his father for good, that he can have him whenver he wanted to though i have it figureded out, But there was one question that i read that i really never noticed I did this ALOT until I thought about it. I am constantly talking and braging about my son. To everyone. It's amazing how much you don't know how much you talk or even think of your child when you're doing something. Mines constant. When im figureing out my budget for the week, or when I plan a trip. Like my trip to Virginia. I'm constantly worried, what if something happens while I'm gone? What if I can't make it back in time. I shouldn't worry so much because you name it Kadyns fought through it pretty much. He has been through so much and has come out so strong. I'm hoping that his siezers will be under control by the. They seem to be so far. I'm very lucky to have such a healthy child through all of this. Anyways. It seems like no matter what I just think of Kadyn with everything. When i fill my truck, is that enough to get him to the hospital if he needs to go, will it be enough for me to go and see him and beable to come home for a break. I'm always considering things like that. I have to. I mean I'm on a tight budget, very tight, but even though im struggling I have Kadyns happiness, and i fullfill his needs all the time. I think I'm going to start saving some here nad there to buy my a new outfit. I think i deserve it. I haven't boughten me new clothes in i don't know how long. I can tell you that a pair of my jeans are starting to get holy because i havent bought a new pair of pants in forever. I have like 5 pairs of pants. Thats it..so stuff gets washed alot and then it starts to get weak. Shirts again i have like 10 maybe, that includes my work shirts. I don't have a winter jacket this year, I haven't had one since Kadyn was born. I have hoodies and that is good enough to get me from the house to my truck to whereever i need to go. I may save up and buy me a new winter coat this year. I'm not sure. Depends on if i can save enough in time before winter ends. Maybe I'll use my tax money, DUH lol. We will see what happens. Alls I know is Kadyn is calculated into my everyday life. NO matter if I'm with him or not. I'm always thinking or talking about him. I'm always bragging about what he can do, and i never mention the things he can't do, because i look at the positive things in life.

Today is going to be a messed up day for me. I am going to visit my cousins grave for the first time, and I'm not sure if I'm really ready but it's been over a year and i feel i need to finally go. I miss him to death, and I just need to pay my respects for the first time. I don't know if I'm ready or not but im forcing myself to go anyways. This is going to be hard yes, but its something that needs to be done now..I don't know Ijust feel like something is telling me to go, so off I go. Harvey and Kadyn are going with me, Kadyn is going to wait in the car because the grave site is right next to the rode and it's a little chilly for him to be outside. Anyways. I am going to go get ready, yes we are going early. Later Harvey and I are going for some Chinese with Kadyn. Family dinner. Even though we arent together we still want Kadyn to see that we can still get along and be friends and raise Kadyn together. So we try and set aside atleast one day a week to do something together as a family. It's hard but we do it, and I think kadyn enjoys it.

Well, I am going to go now.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day and maybe here soon I'll update more LOL

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