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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I need some advice

Ok, everyone knows Kadyn's Dad and me are not together. Okay, Well i guess he is getting a house with his brother and he wants Kadyn to move in there with him. Which would mean we would be doing roll switching. This i can't decide. I mean in away it's like i want Harvey to know everything I've gone through with Kadyn, I want him to feel it all. Waking up with him when he doesn't feel good, getting minimal sleep at night. Wanting to go out with friends but not being able to because you can't find anyone to watch him. I want him to know what it's like to care for Kadyn day in and day out. I want him to know what it's like to have to worry everyday, to have to watch Kadyn. In the same aspect, I want him to watch Kadyn grow as I have, but if he is with Harvey I would be missing out. I can't live with Harvey, I have found someone else, who I adore and he treats me great! Harvey can provide Kadyn with a home, that isn't with my parents who are fighting all the time. He can provide him with better care because he makes good money.

I can provide him with a home, under my parents roof, which is a stressful place. I can barely provide him with his needs because well, lets face it, I'm poor. I make next to nothing. I can cloth him, feed him, diaper him, wipe him, but its hard. I provide him with love. I know everything he has been through. 911 knows me by name.

On the other hand like I've said I want Harvey to live in my shoes. Be the soul provider. Having to miss work to rush him to the hospital, or miss work becuase he is sick, or needs surgary. I want Harvey to feel what I have felt the past 15 months. I also want Kadyn to have a close relationship with his father. I think boys tend to grow up as a better man if they have thier father in thier life more often. PLus either way Kadyn going to be here just as much because Harvey works. So, I am not seeing the difference between what Kadyns living arrangements are now and how they will be in November. I just am confused and would love any advice, good or bad...even if you want to just call me crazy. I'm not going to just give my son to his father and walk away. No I'm going to be in his life just as much as I am now, but with him living with his father. I'm just lost becuase i want to be fair to Harvey and myself, and Kadyn is safe in both places...ugh


Kristen said...

Is Harvey not moving away anymore?

In the past Harvey has not been there for Kadyn when he was in the hospital and you had thought maybe he didn't like hospitals or something. Do you think he would recognize (as well as you do) when Kadyn would need to be taken to the E.R. if something happens?

Rubiadejimani said...

I don't think you being 'poor' should be a valid reason to have Kadyn move with his daddy. Harvey should help you out financially if Kadyn lives with you, just like he would if Kadyn would live with him. That's just fair.

I also don't really understand how you plan (will manage) to be 'just as much in Kadyn's life, only that he wouldn't live with you anymore'.

As for my personal vision, I believe co-parenting would be a good solution. If you take him one week, and Harvey the next for example, you can both have a break so every now and then, and both have a good and intense contact with Kadyn at the same time.

I am not sure whether this is practically possible, or whether these 'constant changes' would affect Kadyn, but at least it doesn't sound so 'drastic' as moving him 100% to Harvey.

Also,this could give an answer to everything you're trying to find an answer to: you'll be paying only half of the usual expenses, Kadyn gets a better contact with his dad and his side of the family, Harvey will learn how it is to take care of Kadyn full time, and you will have your needed break every other week.
Besides, I bet you'll soon miss your little boy WAY TOO MUCH!

But in all honesty: I am not the expert.. these are just a few thoughts of mine.

Tara said...

I've seem a situation VERY similar to what you express here.

Yes it is awesome to have a "father" figure around for Kadyn, and yes his biological father should be the first choice.

But.. Think of how many times YOU spent sleepless, uncomfortable, hungry, just plain exhausted because YOU were taking care of Kadyn. People have to understand that being there from the get go is ideal. Yes we all make mistakes but to repeatedly makes the mistakes is not and ideal situation for your son. You ultimately have the decision to make as you are Kadyn's mother.

Yes living in your parents house can be stressful.. Been there done that.. Yes it may not be the "best" for Kadyn again been there done that. But yet again there is no place else he really should be. Like you said you know EVERYTHING. Im sure in ways Harvey knows enough to get by but really what does he know? Sara this is something you need to put some realy thought into.

There is switching rolls and then their is team parenting. Team parenting is something way more different and in the end may be better for Kadyn. Besides as much as you may want to go and do all of these things that you normally would how many times do you think about Kadyn when your doing those things? How many times does his name roll out of your mouth??