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Friday, February 6, 2009

I guess I don't even understand how I am still Sane!

I just been thinking lately about how I should be going crazy. My hair should be grey and I should be locked in a padded room for awhile. Yet I remain so calm. I think I am starting to reach my breaking part. I don't ever cry when Kadyn comes into the hospital. I don't freak out, and I don't let my anger or frustrations out at all. I feel like i have all this built up emotions in me and one day I am just going to explode, and I'm scared how that will come out.

I am just so tired of watching Kadyn go through all of this. It just isn't fair. I am actually jealous of the children out there who are doing really good. I want my son to be doing really good. I want him to be sitting up, I want him to have the strength to hold his head up. I want so much for him, but every hospital stay is setting him back. I just feel horrible. I want Kadyn to be happy, and he is, but I just want better health for him. I don't want to see him go through another seizure. I just feel...I don't know, kind of alone. I know I'm not, I know there are children out there going through this.

I am not my normal self. I am snapping at people, getting angry over nothing, I am being rude, or I am just not talking. A doctor came in last night at 5am and I just snapped and was like listen, its 5 am, and it's rude to come in and wake my child up to examine him and wake me up to ask questions. I don't answer questions until after 7am. The doctor just looked at me and said he was sorry and walked out. When he came back I apologized and just explained everything I have gone through and just frustrated, and that I didn't sleep good and how I am not a morning person. I assured him it wouldn't happen again. I normally am not a snappy person. I grew out of that when I had Kadyn. I am reaching my breaking point. I went into the hospitals chapel and just prayed my little heart out. I prayed for Kadyn, all the children here, and all the sick children in the world. I felt like I was home again there. I returned to the hospital room hoping I'd be able to sleep, and all I could do was lay here. Watch my baby boy sleep. Sleep in this horrible place. I mean it's not a horrible place really, but I just feel like it is. 

I think the sleepless nights are getting to me. It seems like I can't get a break at all. It's like every time I feel there is a break in the action, something happens again. I'm just frustrated. I feel like I am doing something wrong, even though I know I'm not. I don't take Kadyn out a lot, no one smokes at all, he gets his medication and takes it all. I just don't understand why. I'm lost.

Well, I want to go home with kadyn. I'm tired of going home to an empty crib. My baby is suppose to be there. His toys are just sitting around, his puppy is depressed. It feels like jail. 

I am going to try and sleep. 

I know tomorrow I am going to hear it from my mom because I didn't call her to let her know how Kadyn was doing. I just am not in the mood to talk to anyone. I just don't want to be on the phone. I want to be left alone, and eventually, I will become myself again. 


Ps. I am very thankful for the children with Kadyn's same condition are doing wonderfully. Kadyn will catch up one day I know it. :-)


Ayumi said...

Be strong! your kid needs his mom to be strong so you can take care of him. I know it's hard, well, actually I don't know how you feel exactly but...
I've watched your videos on youtube and decided to leave a comment here. =)

Hugs from Brazil!

Anonymous said...

Oh Sarah...*hug* I know how you must feel. Well, maybe not, but at least I can compare it to the moments of despair I have felt before, and the feeling of hurting myself or others just to get out of this insanity. And I KNOW this is not a fun feeling, not for you, but even less when you know that you're son is the one you're so preoccupied with.
All I can say is that I admire you and your motherskills. I am more than 5 years older than you, yet your blog, stories and thoughts, touched me from the very beginning. I know that everything you feel inside is just because you feel helpless, and you want the best for Kadyn. And I guess that's normal, only most parents don't see their patience tested so often.
Let me give you a virtual hug,ok (yeah, that is from a stranger, but I promise I am not a creepy old man, hehe)
.. here goes .. *hug*... no, not like that... harder. HARDER I said.. ..*HUUUUGGG* Yeaaah.. that's it!

Kristen said...

Sarah, my heart just breaks for you. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I go back to when Cayman had 7 surgeries within 8 months and how desperately exhausted physically and emotionally I was from it. I just wanted to scream, "Will there ever be an end to this!!"...a happy ending that is! I would imagine you just want to put your head into a pillow and scream! I wish I could say something that would make it all better. Please just know that I"m thinking about you and praying for you. *hugs*

Sweetest Girl in the World said...

I can't possibly imagine what you're going through, I know it's extremely hard to stay positive. And, you must be feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. We've had our breaking points here in Texas several times and each time I go to God begging him that I find strength. Each time I look at Audrey, I know why God chose me to be her Mommy because there's no one else in this world that could love her and care for her like I do. God had a plan when he gave you Kadyn, it won't always be easy to understand but you have to trust that you're doing an amazing job. I have to admit too, that I get jealous of other children's progresses, even Kadyn and I'm sorry I have felt that way but it's really easy to fall into the trap that you're the only person dealing with "this".

I feel very blessed that I found your blog and am able to watch Kadyn grow. He's an amazing boy and he has won so many battles, he's definitely an inspiration for my family.

Keep your head up Sarah. It's okay to have your breaking points. If there were no breaking points in your life, how would you be able to find the strength to pick yourself back up. Huge hugs and big major prayers are being sent your way.