I just been thinking lately about how I should be going crazy. My hair should be grey and I should be locked in a padded room for awhile. Yet I remain so calm. I think I am starting to reach my breaking part. I don't ever cry when Kadyn comes into the hospital. I don't freak out, and I don't let my anger or frustrations out at all. I feel like i have all this built up emotions in me and one day I am just going to explode, and I'm scared how that will come out.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I am just so tired of watching Kadyn go through all of this. It just isn't fair. I am actually jealous of the children out there who are doing really good. I want my son to be doing really good. I want him to be sitting up, I want him to have the strength to hold his head up. I want so much for him, but every hospital stay is setting him back. I just feel horrible. I want Kadyn to be happy, and he is, but I just want better health for him. I don't want to see him go through another seizure. I just feel...I don't know, kind of alone. I know I'm not, I know there are children out there going through this.
I am not my normal self. I am snapping at people, getting angry over nothing, I am being rude, or I am just not talking. A doctor came in last night at 5am and I just snapped and was like listen, its 5 am, and it's rude to come in and wake my child up to examine him and wake me up to ask questions. I don't answer questions until after 7am. The doctor just looked at me and said he was sorry and walked out. When he came back I apologized and just explained everything I have gone through and just frustrated, and that I didn't sleep good and how I am not a morning person. I assured him it wouldn't happen again. I normally am not a snappy person. I grew out of that when I had Kadyn. I am reaching my breaking point. I went into the hospitals chapel and just prayed my little heart out. I prayed for Kadyn, all the children here, and all the sick children in the world. I felt like I was home again there. I returned to the hospital room hoping I'd be able to sleep, and all I could do was lay here. Watch my baby boy sleep. Sleep in this horrible place. I mean it's not a horrible place really, but I just feel like it is.
I think the sleepless nights are getting to me. It seems like I can't get a break at all. It's like every time I feel there is a break in the action, something happens again. I'm just frustrated. I feel like I am doing something wrong, even though I know I'm not. I don't take Kadyn out a lot, no one smokes at all, he gets his medication and takes it all. I just don't understand why. I'm lost.
Well, I want to go home with kadyn. I'm tired of going home to an empty crib. My baby is suppose to be there. His toys are just sitting around, his puppy is depressed. It feels like jail.
I am going to try and sleep.
I know tomorrow I am going to hear it from my mom because I didn't call her to let her know how Kadyn was doing. I just am not in the mood to talk to anyone. I just don't want to be on the phone. I want to be left alone, and eventually, I will become myself again.
Ps. I am very thankful for the children with Kadyn's same condition are doing wonderfully. Kadyn will catch up one day I know it. :-)
Posted by Sara at 2/06/2009 11:10:00 PM