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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Being Strong in the Lord

I know I have lost track of my blog. It's a beautiful mess, but I promise I'll get organized and do more blogs.

I actually lost site in a lot of things. Before I had Kadyn I wasn't strong with the Lord. I was big into drinking and going out and partying. I am not proud of that at all, but yet I am glad that I learned from it. I was getting bad grades in school and just wasn't caring. I honestly never wanted kids, and never thought of ever getting married. All that changed when I met Kadyn's dad. I stopped drinking and partying so much, my grades went up and I changed. We dated for 5 years when I found out I was pregnant. When I received Kadyn's diagnosis, I denied God all together, I rebelled against Him and just ask why would He ever let this happen. A tiny baby shouldn't have to go through this. I was that way for awhile. Then slowly I thought how crazy it was for me to feel about that! I then began to go to church again and got back on the right road.

This past hospital stay really put me closer. I was thrown a huge, what I like to call a punch in the stomach. I never thought I would ever have to see my son go through what he went through. He was put on a breathing tube, and when they called the respiratory code I prayed. I closed my eyes and I just prayed. I prayed for my little boy and the doctors.
A song that I listen to that I just love Is from the Sidewalk Profits, It's called Words I would say. If you click the link it will take you to the youtube video of the song. It is an amazing song.
I have learned that God listens when you pray, Kadyn is my living proof.

I am normally a very strong person when Kadyn i sick, I always tell myself that if I am strong Kadyn will sense that and he will be strong, but this past time I broke down and just cried. For the first time I cried. I was at a lost. Normally I have Harvey whom I can call and just talk to about this, but I can't right now. I also lost my parents as a support system, as they are more evolved with my sister Dana's children. I have learned to accept this. My other sister who is in Ohio has been a great support.

I also, and this is horrible to admit, but when Kadyn was born I was afraid to love him, It was a slow process to get close and feel love for him, it didn't help that we were separated for 5 days. When I held him I was confused and lost, but I started liking him. He was pretty cool to have. I liked him but was afraid to love him. I loved him, I just was afraid to tell myself that. I was scared to lose him. I didn't think he would be here. I am totally head over heels in love with him now, but when he goes through terrible hospital stays I get scared and I feel how I felt when I got his diagnosis. Scared and confused. He is laying next to me now, and I am excited that he is going to sleep in bed with me. I know now that he isn't going anywhere. I still get scared of losing him but God has His hand on him. I know this because this past week he survived an hour long seizure, he survived me falling down the stairs with him in my arms...he just got upset because I kicked up snow in his face as I fell. He has survived over 150 siezures, 13 surgeries, 2 incubation, and he pretty much does a lot more than doctors ever said he would.

I have grown a lot. I am a young mother, I have made my mistakes and I have learned, and I have been told if I learned from them then they were not mistakes. Kadyn is truly my pride and joy. I love him so much and my love just grows stronger. His smile, his laugh, his singing, his talking, his hair, everything, just makes my heart melt. He makes me weak, yet stronger....stronger in the Lord. Although this is going to be a rough year doing this alone, I know I can do it. A year is nothing when there are many more years to come.

Tomorrow I head back to Ohio. I have to head to the hospital to pick up Kadyn's formula, then off the my sisters from there. I am excited to go where I am not alone. My sister Renee is a big help when I am there, and I miss my niece and nephew, also my doggy Korona is there.

Well I am going to leave you with an awesome video and Kadyn and I taking. He is talling me bye, and singing nad making noises.


heather.parks said...

I loved this post and so glad that you posted it. I learned some new things that I didn't know and just love learning new things about you and just your story with God. He is oh so great isn't he?!

*Monica said...

soo cute!!