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Sunday, March 28, 2010

Do I live here or are we just visiting?

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

~ 1 Corinthians 16:13

The past few days have been just crazy. The wonderful thing is I have grown closer to Kadyn. Does this sound weird? Well, I am going to go on a limb and just tell everyone. I do suffer from depression. This hasn't kept me from being close to my son, but it hasn't helped either. I can say that I do love my son more than life it's self. That I would do anything for him, but there is still some parts of me that even after 3 years is scared. I am slowly taking baby steps to get over these. The only thing I hope is that no one judges me for this. This isn't by choice or my fault, it's something I have been struggling with for years and plan to get help soon.

I have held Kadyn a lot more to get him out of bed and he has actually let me, which I think is why I have been a tad distant is because he doesn't like to cuddle with me like most children. When I learn to accept this and not dwell on it I will have achieved something huge. I always wanted to be able to hold my child close and talk to them, although this is in no way Kadyn's fault. He spent months laying down in his crib as he had infections before that were a lot worse than this. He is used to being independent.

Things are going very good here with Kadyn. He has become such a star! Everyone who meets him loves him and his personality and his flexibility. He has such a smile that is so addicting you can not help but smile.

His CSF has been negative for infection. They are going to take another sample tomorrow and see if it is negative, they will let it grown for 24-48 hours then make a decision. So hopefully by Thursday we will have the shunt back inside his head. They also have the one EVD clamped off and so far he is acting like he just doesn't need it. His mood has been amazing! So he will most likely get a CT scan tomorrow to make sure his ventricle sizes stay the same. Kadyn has such a bright personality!

Yesterday I took a little break to go to my nephews birthday party. He turned 4 and we missed last year and I at least wanted to give him his gifts. So I went and by the time I got there I wanted to leave. So I fought it out and stayed. I only stayed a couple hours so it was a little break. When I came back he was wide awake and happy until about 2am when he finally fell asleep. I see myself napping with him later on, although we are going to have guests but that isn't until around 3ish. Hopefully I can squeeze in a little nap, if not it is okay. At least we will have visitors! :)


Heather said...

You know I'm always here for you, no matter what. Ears, shoulder and tears to share. :)

I'm so glad that he's doing so well! I think about him on and off all day and I know you don't always have your phone or service but I so think of y'all. So looks like you two will be leaving soon then huh?

I hope the staff(more so the cute ones ;)) are being good to you. ha ha.


KajnBlonde said...


Please don't be ashamed of having depression. It is a diease like diabetes or any thing else. I have a daughter that is older than you.. (she will be 30). She fights depression every day. Some days..she wins..some days the depression does...
You have a lot to deal with... and I think you do it very well... and you are an AWESOME Mommy!!
I hope Kadyn is well enough to go home very soon...


1god said...

Praying for you always:)

Anonymous said...

I have fallen in love with Kadyns videos, and found your blog here. I am a mom to a 4 1/2 year old. when i read this article, it hit home and i wanted to reach out to you with my experience. When my son was young, of course I loved him, but I couldn't get over this feeling that i didn't love him 'enough'. if that makes any sense? I have all the maternal instincts and would do anything for him- but couldn't get over this mommy guilt, feeling something was missing. i also got hung up on the belief that children would want to cuddle and gaze into their parents eyes. most of the time, he didn't. i became obsessed when he didn't do that (actually, i still have issues with it, but we work on it). it feels hard to make a connection without it. Over the years now, i've learned alot of that is nature- and NOT my son's fault, or my fault- for being distant at times. It happened to my girlfriend and her son as well. Quite simply - boys are different than girls. Girls are gazers and cuddlers. sure, some boys are too- but it's normal that some aren't. The need is a deeply female one, and I needed it, and didn't feel it from my son. In turn, i also battled mild depression, not to mention the exhaustion of parenting. so often times, i took the guilt on my self and kept questioning- was i too distracted at times, and he has given up? did i "teach" him to look away? But through the years, it has gotten better. i had him tested very young for autism- and was told he was fine. i was assured that it was a difference between boys and girls. I've since learned to accept it more, but still work on it with him... but i am much, much more relaxed and beginning to believe it is their nature. i have several tips on working on it with them though- if you are ever interested! Best of luck to you and Kayden. you have captured my heart with your stories!