It's 3am

I have a headache, I just got done balling my eyes out. Kadyn is so uncomfortable and when I hold him he pushes off me and wants to be left alone. He is so miserable and I can't fix him. My mommy kisses are suppose to take the pain away, but this pain is only managed by the Neurosurgeon. He can't sleep, he can't eat, he is in so much pain. They gave him Tylenol and that does nothing. I feel so helpless. I am suppose to make things better, I am suppose to be able to console him when he is in pain and yet I am so scared that he is going to keep pushing hard on me and I'll accidentally drop him. He is soo strong when he is angry. He has never liked to be held, especially when he doesn't feel good.

It's times like these where I know I am going to break down. I don't have Harvey here to help me. Not that this time of night he would be much help, but I could always call and cry to him. I have never felt this way before, so helpless. Normally, he sleeps through the night, but his pain is so bad he can't. He just can't. He is playing right now, so I get a little break. It's almost 4 and Kadyn will have surgery in 3.5 hours. I haven't slept in 2 days. I am soo exhausted. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over with so I can sleep.

I just pray for the strength to make it through the night. I pray for patients and for Kadyn to be pain free and be able to sleep.

:(