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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Flu? or Shunt?

Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.

~ Psalm 37:24

I am still finding it hard to believe that Kadyn's throwing up was flu related, although it has stopped. He is still very sleepy, but I am going to try and think optimistic about this. Maybe my leaving Wednesday is what is causing all these terrible nerves to kick in. I really don't want to leave Kadyn behind, but I feel if I don't get out and take this mini vacation that I will go crazy these next 12-18 months. I am so used to getting little breaks here and there that these past few months of being with Kadyn non stop has made me feel more exhausted then I normally am. My headaches are coming back to the point of just making me lay in bed almost in tears. I have Migraine medication but it isn't helping. I am thinking that the stress of what we just went through and me being so worried about leaving is what is causing all this craziness for me.

I just want things to be back to normal days when I wasn't so concerned about his shunt because it had been working for over a year. It's so crazy how quickly those can just slap you in the face, It's amazing how quickly everything can be turned around in an instant. I also learned that when the Bagel/Coffee cart comes around always say yes, even if I am not going to eat a bagel right then and there, I will have it and not kick my self later when i have to go buy a bagel. I keep learning new things everyday. I think it's part of "growing up".

I took Kadyn to the park and just watched the other children play. (bad idea). It hurt me to know that Kadyn can not do that stuff right now. While the other children ran, laughed and played he was stuck in his stroller just watching, although he didn't seem to mind, it hurt me. I imagined Kadyn running around with the other boys and girls, going down the slide, screaming push me higher mommy. Me chasing him down the grass and catching him. I know one day we will get to that but it pulls at my heart. Then I take him home and watch him roll around, hold his bottle, say words, pull his socks off, and realize HOW SELFISH of me to feel that way. Here is a child who doctors pretty much had no hope for any quality of life and here he is, breathing, kicking, talking and interacting with me. That makes my heart smile. This makes me realize how much we take for granted the little things in life. Worrying about the bigger things just puts more stress, and I should be thankful for what I have, because I have a miracle, a little boy who has defied all the odds and just grown so big! I am happy, proud, blessed, truly lucky to be his mommy. Out of all the mommies in the world God chose me, and in that is truly the biggest blessing of them all!


Anonymous said...

Hello! This is my first time visiting your blog, and the first thing that I thought was " What an adorable baby!!!" You truly have a beautiful son, and I greatly admire your strength and beauty. He is a wonderful blessing for you, though I know that there are and will be difficult times. You and Kadyn are very inspiring, and bring tears of joy to my eyes!

Kristen said...

I like your words, especially when you said about how lucky you are. I agree, we are so lucky. Lucky to have such a deep understanding about cherishing every small miracle in life...something as common as a breath, a smile or a giggle...sends our hearts soaring.

I am convinced life is more beautiful, lived out at its fullest when we have the ability to take nothing for granted. That's exactly what our sweet kiddos do for us. What little angels they are...a little piece of Heaven on Earth for us.

Kim said...

I have been following your blog for awhile now. I love to see Kadyn's smile. He is such a blessing. I know you must be a strong person because I do believe God choses strong people to give the awesome responsibily to raise our very special kids. I am praying for your strength and Kadyn's healing.