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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Amazing life

I totally have an amazing life. I have the most amazing fiance' in the world and I have the most amazing son in the world. Now some people might think "Whats so amazing about a life in and out of the hospital?" It's amazing because I am gifted with one thing that most people have to work on, patience. I am also gifted in cherishing all the little things instead of taking them for granted. I cherish every smile, birthday, word, movement, and everyday he wakes up, because it's one more day given to me that I was told I wouldn't have. As I prepare to celebrate Kadyn's 3rd birthday on July 3rd I sit here and think back to everything we went through to get us here, the countless hospital stays, surgeries, doctors appointments, decisions to make and everything else.

From the diagnosis until today I have been truly blessed by God. He gave me my miracle boy and He gave him life. He has blessed me with so much more then most. I really love my life, If I could cure Kadyn I would, but the truth is I can't. I have learned to be realistic about things. I have also learned to be calm. Being clam while Kadyn is having a seizure is the best thing for me, the paramedics and for Kadyn. I have gotten a lot of compliments on how calm I am when I am put in this situation.

Do I ever get upset when these things happen, yes, but I have learned it's best to get upset after Kadyn is stable and we are in our own room. I will also go out to my car or bathroom to break down that way Kadyn doesn't see, hear to sense it. I come back refreshed and better. Children can sense your fear and stress and if you just hold it in until you can be alone to me it's the best.

I have learned that I can't change to impossible. I know that Kadyn's shunt won't last him forever. It is bound to fail, so I am prepared for that. I keep myself emotionally prepared for this to happen. That is Kadyn's life and it is always going to be Kadyn's life.

I also have learned the answer to the question. "Why did you keep him knowing his quality of life may not be normal"
This I answer, I left it up to God. I didn't chose life, God did and I followed what He wanted me to do. I don't regret it at all. It's always been my belief that I'd rather meet my son then to never know what could of been. Also if God chose not to give Kadyn life, he would of taken him away from me. This was my choice and I believe Kadyn deserved a chance, It's not up to me to play God.

Now the question I get asked is, "How do you care for Kadyn while his daddy is gone in such a dangerous spot, how to you keep moving on with all that stress."

My answer. I am not stressed at all really. I miss Harvey with all my heart, and I wish he could be home, but the fact of the matter is he can't and I can not stop my life because he is gone, I keep moving forward because I have the most important person in my life here to take care of. Kadyn's daddy will be coming home and it's only a year he will be gone. I am doing nothing different then what I have been doing the past 3 years his daddy was home. It's all apart being an army family.

I am really blessed to have these experiences that most people wouldn't, or couldn't even handle. I don't consider it being strong, I consider it doing whats best for my son. I believe my faith and trust in God has really helped me a lot.

Although it's scary to even think about having more children because of Kadyn's diagnosis, I can't help but want the feeling of having a Newborn again. Although it will still be awhile before we do have anymore children, I just don't feel like our family is complete. Babies are just awesome!

I am so proud to say that I am a mother of the most amazing son in the world. People still stare at Kadyn but that's because they are trying to figure out how Kadyn can scratch his own head with his foot :)


Lisa said...

you are a truely amazing woman. It is so neat to watch how you have grown as a mother and as a partner to Harvey. I am in awe of your ability to have such peace with such uncertainty in your life. God bless you and I will continue to pray for your precious baby.