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Monday, May 10, 2010

Not looking forward to the week

Kadyn is in a better mood! Thank GOD. Yesterday started off iffy but ended beautifully! I loved it. I was able to have a stress free mothers day! Today has started off even better. So I am more convinced it is the weather. Although when we meet with Dr.Ham I will let him know what we went through.

So today is the only day we have nothing to do. Tuesday we go see the Pediatrician, Wednesday is Neurosurgery, Thursday is WIC and Neurology, Friday is MRI. Kadyn is having his first MRI since he was a newborn done. He had an MRI before he was shunted. Well he also had an MRI while he was inside my womb. They want to see what structures of the brain are damaged and what is there and what isn't. So, Friday I am nervous because I have never seen my boy be sedated. I always opted out walking him back to surgery as I know I would be haunted with the scene of my child being put to sleep. I heard so many terrifying stories and I just can't do it. Lucky for me, Kadyn doesn't mind going back with complete strangers. He usually is sleeping anyways so they normally put him on the bed and take him back. I just don't like to see my baby looking at me and then BAM asleep. It would haunt my dreams, and I already have plenty of nightmares and night terrors from being in the NICU. Yes, I still have bad dreams of the rough time we had there. The smell of that floor at the hospital haunts me. Whenever I am on the elevator I always hope and pray to just pass that floor up. It makes me think of the day when I first saw Kadyn and fed him and he projectile vomited all over and I freaked out because it came out of his nose and I was scared. Although the assured me that he prolly over ate, I wasn't satisfied and had to leave the room in tears.

I one day want Kadyn to have a sibling, but the pregnancy I went through, the trauma of being told my baby wouldn't survive, the diagnoses, the weekly ultrasounds and the significant growth of his head every week. Actually it sometimes makes me wonder if maybe they took him earlier he wouldn't have as much brain damage. Yeah he would have to go through the things a Preemie goes through, but I hear/read about all the children who were born even 3-4 weeks earlier then Kadyn and how much better they are doing. I often wonder if my doctor made the right call, but why question it now. It won't make my son better.

Although I can say this. KADYN IS TRYING TO HOLD HIS HEAD UP AND CRAWL AGAIN! I love this diet he is on! Kadyn is a whole new baby! Also I taught Kadyn the sign for MORE!!!!!! WHOOOOOO. Yes I know some sign language haha! I studied it as I had a deaf friend in school. She could talk and helped me learn it. She passed away a few years ago from complications to her condition. I miss her dearly. So, I started with "more". Mainly because Kadyn, you can only play with him for so long until he wants to be left alone. He is very independent, and only craves attention once in awhile, yet never, NEVER wants to be held. Thats what being in the NICU so long took away from me, but I still have my bouncing Happy lil man, who is less than 2 months is going to be 3!!!!

SOOOO Excited! Already picked out the theme, and I am baking his cupcake (ketocake) and buying his cake. BBQ, Pool, Slip and slide, nice warm weather and family. Although Harvey isn't going to be here, I am going to think positive. There is always next year!!! :)


Anonymous said...

wow thats a week of appointments! Hope they all go well! wow a whole new baby eh? That's great though!!

I'm sorry you don't sleep well b/c of everything, there anything you can do to change that or anything? I'm sorry. What about a sleeping pill for when you are there or something?

It breaks my heart that I can't be there at his party. can I see all pictures and such? I miss him so much, I'm about to cry. Stupid maybe. What's the theme? love you

Colette said...

Hey, just wanted to post, we dont know each other and I dont know how I found your blog...but I love reading it, how your days are and what you go through at times! I was born with Spina Bifida a long time ago now .. haha and my parents have had a journey very similar, always back and forth from hospital appointments and surgery and in those days not so much was known about my condition then and no support either as such! Just reading your blogs I feel a great understanding! Hope everything continues to improve and look forward to reading future post and especially the birthdy party! Please take lots of pictures and video! :) Sending big hugs from Ireland! :)