Sleepless Nights

Kadyn is sleeping soundly but I find myself watching him. I know deep down if he does have a seizure I will wake up to it, but the other nights events leave me sleepless. I can't sleep, I have not slept much the past couple days. With Christmas coming up I just have this feeling that we are just going to end up in the hospital on Christmas Eve or Day. Just not sure which one. I just want a Christmas at home with family. I have been trying to keep Kadyn home as much as possible to keep him away from all the illnesses that are out there. The other days events just have me so paranoid that I have been stressed and my brain is going a million miles an hour, but not getting anywhere. Some people look at this time of year as a time to relax and enjoy all the season has to offer, but for me, it brings be stress, also the unhappiest of memories in the hospital with Kadyn while he was intubated. Fighting for his life with 3 virus's going through him, and his shunt not working. Shortly after the shunt infection and the shunt that once again came through his skin. If Kadyn could spend one Christmas out of the hospital, just one, I think I could look past that memory, but the constant hospitalizations on Christmas after that are just a constant reminder of that time. It was the first time Kadyn has ever been intubated outside of surgery. It was the scariest moment of my life when the Er doctor yelled out "We need respitory stat! He isn't breathing." I about lost it. Watching those doctors and nurses and anesthesiologists come running in and the respitory therapists and then in comes the chaplin. NO parent wants to see them come in the Trama Bay, but I held it together. I stood there in awe. I stood there with my jaw dropped. People were talking to me, and I was answering but I don't know how I answered. I just wanted to push everyone away from my little Kadyn and save him, but I knew that would be the worst thing to do for him. Am I glad that day is past us, YES, but when I just can't seem to MOVE past it. It haunts me. LIke his first infection that gave him the epilepsy he has today. I am just so upset at myself that I didn't catch the fluid leaking through the stitches. I didn't see the shunt that was exposed through the skin. I will never forgive myself for not seeing that. The doctors pushed it off on me being a new mother and that it's not something a new mother normally would look for, and I would say, no but it's something a mother should look for when she knows her child needs that to survive. I know as a mother I should place any blame, but I always seem to blame myself for everything. Even before Kadyn, I blamed myself for everything and anything that went wrong. It's just who I am. I can't help it. I apologize for everything, even when I know I am not at fault. I apologize to Kadyn daily, I tell him that I am sorry that I can't take his constant headaches away.

I still have a lot of growing up to do, but if I may say so myself, since I started this blog, I notice a lot more mature me. I notice someone who is taking a bigger step in her son's illness and who is not afraid to take him out and who is not afriad of what others may think. I notice that I smile more when people talk to Kadyn and when they ask if Kadyn is walking, I say No Not yet, instead of no, he can't. I notice that I don't want to go out and get "a break" from Kadyn as much anymore. I am not as impatient as I used to be and I am a lot calmer with him. I don't get frustrated as easily and I am just down right a happier person than before. This could be because my life is finally coming together like it should be, or it could be that I got pregnant at 19 and took all this in at 19 and had Kadyn at 20. I was so young, so young and DUMB! I didn't know what I wanted, and even though I had been with Harvey for 5 years, we were going through a lot then. Thankfully for Kadyn's sake and my own, we worked it all out. Now that we are older we see what we have with each other and Kadyn. We are this small family, but I love it! It's funny to see how I was back 2-3 years ago, I was still a teenager at heart, trying to take on a grown up roll and making mistakes, but those mistakes made me into who I am today and I am thankful I did them and learned from them so I can be the mommy I am today. Am I still learning and making mistakes, of course, don't we all? I mean even a mother who is in her 50's with 4-5 children still makes mistakes and it still learning. I don't think we ever truely learn how to be a "perfect mom". We will make desicions that we will regret later, but we will become stronger from it. We will grow and have more children and make mistakes, hay maybe even some bigger mistakes than before, but I guess if we learn from them, they are lessons not mistakes. I regret my past with Kadyn. Most of it was being young, but I was scared of him. I was scared to get too close and lose him. He was not "out of the woods" until about a year and half ago when his shunt decided to keep working and his epilepsy went from 4-5 times a day to once a month, and now it's once in a blue moon his epilepsy wants to come back. His daddy went through the same thing. Being young and scared. I mean not only were we scared of being parents, but we took on a huge responsibilty when we heard Kadyn's condition. God was there when we made the desicion to keep going, I know it. God has had his hands on me this whole time, and he has had his hands on Kadyn also. Kadyn has brought me closer to Him, and I think that is Kadyn's purpose. Not only has Kadyn brought me closer, but he has brought others in my family closer too. When you defy the odds more than once, the only person I have to thank is God. I always look at Kadyn and I tell him, I don't think I could love you anymore than I do today, because my love is that strong, and then he smiles nad he proves me wrong. Being a mother isn't a job, a duty, or a requirment, it is a blessing and a priviliage and an honor. It is the best feeling in the world to know that that child will always love me no matter what. As I sit here and watching my son sleep, I can't help but smile. Every breath he takes is a blessing, and true miracle, a true work of God. As Harvey and I make plans to have more children I often think to myself, can I truely love another child, is there room for me to love another child and that's among the many other worries that come with having another child.

Perhaps with this coming year approaching us, Kadyn will show me and many other more blessings and he will show just how much of a miracle he truly is. God has plans for him, I know this and I can not wait until they unfold!