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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Ever just felt like a complete failure?

Right now I feel as though I am failing Kadyn. Everyday he has had "bad" notes from school. He is hitting himself and needing his arms to be splinted so he doesn't hurt himself. I just feel like I can't fix this for him. I can't help him when he is frustrated. I feel horrible knowing they are splinting his arms at school, but it is for his own good, so he doesn't hurt himself. Every time I see that though I am sad. My heart breaks because I can't make it better. I can not understand why he gets so frustrated with things. I feel a tad overwhelmed trying to figure out Kadyn still. He has grown a lot in the past year. He is also able to do more and when he can not do something he just freaks out and hits himself, or yells. I want to comfort him but he pushes away from me, pinches me, pulls my hair ect.

I know I haven't failed him, and I know I am doing everything I can to help him. I just feel defeated. I know this phase will pass, and it may take awhile, but I can't help but feel hurt for him. He is trapped in a body that doesn't or can't do what he wants it to do. It's like he has no control, and he doesn't know how to take his frustrations out in a proper way. So here I just try and do everything I can to help him, but each and every time I read that Kadyn had a bad day at school I feel frustrated and defeated.

I am not typing this out looking for the "it's okay" or "it'll get better" Nor do I want ANYONE to feel sorry for me. There is nothing to feel sorry for at all. This is my life, I chose this and I am proud of it. I just am going through a rough patch when it comes to Kadyn, and I will have these feelings A LOT. I know it's ok and I know that it will eventually get better. Kadyn is Kadyn. I love him.

Can you believe Kyle is 2mo old already? Yup today is his 2mo birthday! He has grown! He is now 10lbs 5oz. He smiles so much and coo's a lot as well. He cries a lot too, it's a phase. We also found out Kyle has Acid Reflux, so he is on a new formula and Zantac to help with that. He seems to be getting better. Kadyn is still on his same diet. Ketogenic formula and yogurts, but we are exploring with different baby foods with textures in them and he seems to like them. I think one day I will have this little dude eating small meals!